The Do Gooder

So, my ex-wife left.  She left taking the children without my permission.  She left playing on my ignorance and fear of the law.  I was trying to be nice throughout the whole ordeal.  Nice.  In a divorce, one cannot be "nice".  Your being "nice" will be taken advantage of every time.  I certainly didn't find the proper attorney either.  I did a little research and found that mostly, the men that had male attorneys did not gain as much as the ones whom had female attorneys.  I relied upon a female attorney.  I also did not read the "signs".  You know.  What I had discussed earlier in this blog.  When I walked into her office, there were books all over the floor and papers every where, all in disarray.  With an office such as this I was wondering how her practice was.  I sat and talked with her and she talked a good game.  After spending my money with her, it turned out she couldn't do a thing for me anyway because my wife had run back to her home state which she had not been in for eight months.  My ignorance of the law.  During the process, my brother played on my emotions and ignorance.  After a life time with the bastard treating me as though I was the gum stuck to the bottom of his shoe, I still played into his hands.  He was the information gatherer for my wife and she used it all against me.  As she professed, she made sure that the children would never see me again.  Only, that was after my daughter would turn eighteen.  Remember, my son had ADHD and he would listen to no one.  He stayed in touch as long as he was able to get financial help from me.  But, if the help was not there, I would not hear from him.  The good ol' bro was explaining how I should be and how I should react and what I should do for the children, all the while, he was giving my soon to be ex-wife money and food to support the children.  Falling back to the definition of bully.  I didn't realize it until too late and I was still trying to be nice so that I could still see my children.  After it was all said and done, the children also became the information gatherers and when there was no more information to gather, there were no more visits from them.  And the daughter also turned eighteen.  Even so, she made another attempt of getting money from me.  She told me, "God needed money so that she could go to Germany and pray for some hookers".  Sounded to me like Oral Roberts was on the attack again.  First, if God needed the money, why didn't he contact me himself?  Second, if some hookers in Germany needed her prayers to help them leave the business, why couldn't she pray for them right here at home just like we do for our soldiers off in another land fighting a foreign war?  Third, by this time, she was now into her college years of religious indoctrination and she didn't feel the need to visit with me any longer.  If someone needed money, I would give it to those that come and visit with me.  I was not going to pay someone to stay away from me.  I'm quite sure she could do that on her own.  Instead, she turned to the good ol' bro and he supplied her the money.  The good ol' bro.  The "do gooder".  It seems to me if he wanted to do some good, he would have encouraged the ex to get the son on medication so he could be closer to "normal" whatever normal is.  And if he was any kind of brother at all, he would have stayed the fuck out of my affairs rather than fuck up the relationship I had with my daughter.  Instead, since he was married to a bitter, selfish, dyke-like woman that was just like him, he encouraged my daughter just to stay away.  Hell!  He already hated my guts for coming into the picture at birth and infiltrating in territory.  Now, he had to bust up everything that meant anything to me.

Finally realizing all of this, still having the dream that has plagued me for so long, I decided to follow the suggestions of professional psychologists and start a journal.  Writing a journal of all of my emotions was actually a release of my contained emotions.  It began to flow out like Niagara Falls and I began to let go.  Once I began to let go, all things began to fall in place.  Once they started to fall in place, I began to step over the debris and find my way.  I found my way to satisfaction and happiness.  And no more dreams However, the ones trying to make me feel bad as a person, still make their attempt at trying to make me feel bad.  What pisses them off the most is the fact that I have found my satisfaction and happiness and they obviously have not.  The things that they attempt to do to me just runs off like water on a ducks back and it pisses them off even more because they don't know what to do now except just to keep me ostracized.  Really?  Is that all that you have?  Really?  I am still alive and well.  I haven't committed suicide at your behest.  Is that really all that you have?

The Stress

So, I acquired this new job in St. Louis, Missouri building implements of destruction.  The money being offered was the best so far, not to mention the benefits to go with it.  However, the only way to maintain that job was to join the union.  Union.  I never appreciated unions.  I find them only to be good for those that are fat, lazy, and ignorant.  On the job, if they can't keep up for one reason or another and their supervisor comes over and has a chat with them trying to encourage them to excel at what they do, then the employee deems it as harassment because they want to continue working while they keep their elbows on the bench and their ass firmly planted on a stool.  Or maybe you walk into a fuel cell of an aircraft and find a bunch of the slugs just stretched out on some mats sleeping when they should be working.  And while this is going on you discover the president of the union has not only been laundering money, but he has also been spending the hard earned union dues on hookers.  This is what use I have found of unions in this day and age.  They were good in the 1920's and '30's when people really were being maltreated, but the lot of that has long since been gone and it is only for the weak minded who doesn't want to work, but they damn sure want the money.  But, I have digressed.  This new area that we moved to, the furthest north we had ever lived, was different.  Instead of having definite divisions in the city of races, they were mixed here.  Sometimes jobs were in the predominately black area.  So?  It's a freakin' job.  But, since the then wife had never experienced that kind of element before in her life, the stress of living there, the stress of traveling to those areas for work, the stress of having to start over again, the stress of moving there, the stress of....the stress, the stress, the stress.  And for the rest of the story of what happens you have to read The Train Runs No More.  After getting divorced, and having to pay court costs, attorney's fees, and child support, this now great salary has become, just barely.  So, I dealt with it.  I got in as many visits as possible with my children, but with one of them, I began to discover something was seriously wrong.  I tried discussing civilly with the ex,  but that only went so far until she also discovered on her own that something was seriously wrong.  As a couple, I guess we never paid attention and the situation just sort of snuck up on us.  It was discovered that my son had Attention Deficit Hypertension Disorder, ADHD.  What an ordeal to have.  Some children have it only mildly.  Others have the full force of it.  I got lucky.  My son had the full force of it.  Always busy, hard to get his attention focused, difficult for him to follow direction, obstinate, when focused, it was only on what he wanted and if he couldn't get it, the tantrums would fly.  As a couple, you have to work together.  As a single parent, it's difficult when you have to maintain a full time job and all you have surrounding you are people that "watch" children instead of baby sit them, yet they want to be paid the same.  If the job becomes too difficult, they tell you they don't want to do it anymore because it's not easy.  Good thing there is no union involved in baby sitting.  You have now, two divorced parents where one didn't get what she thought she deserved, both are at odds, and be damned with getting along.  It is always the children that suffer in divorce, especially when one child is afflicted with something.  Because it is so difficult for the mother to constantly correct the child at school while having to work, she took him out of school to home school him.  Home school.  What a farce!  Especially with a child afflicted with ADHD.  Her version of home schooling was to place the books and homework in front of him, expect him to have the work done by the time she returns home, and all is good.  How ridiculous for a child like that.  My son missed three months of school because of that stupid shit.  At his age, approximately nine or ten at the time, that was a lot.  I have to say that my son now has not grown to be the most brilliant kid of all.  He has done some pretty stupid shit because of his obstinateness, and our not being able to get along as divorced parents.  Not to mention that there is the weakness of the all knowing, overbearing, hateful sibling that can't stand me to start with.  Because he does, no matter how ill fated, he would rather aid someone that is against me than to aid the environment of the afflicted child.  So, now we are all on this railroad of stupidity like an out of control locomotive.  All the while, I am still contending with this dream that I have had every single night since being a child, with no way to counter act the dream  All of these stresses I have to deal with and I have to deal with it alone.

Beyond the surface

So, you find somebody; like I did.  They were fun to be with.  They were happy to go out with you.  They were enjoying spending your money with you, not to mention the sex that was exchanged.  As long as they kept the sex coming, you kept the money coming, no pun intended.  But what was really behind all of that?  Did they really want to be with you?  Or were you just an escape bridge to get them out of the home they were in or the situation they were in.  My encounter is described in The Train Runs No More.  In my case, one attractive blonde lady was living with her divorced, alcoholic mother in a place that I wouldn't even house my dog in.  But the sex was great.  When she saw that I wasn't ready to get married or even ask her to marry me, she decided to call it quits.  She was married within a month after leaving me.  She wanted out of the house that she was in.  I was dating a beautiful Mexican lady for a while.  She had two beautiful, young daughters that I used to help her carry in from the car when they fell asleep on the way home from the baby sitter's house, as though I were their father.  I had been under the impression that she was divorced.  After several months of constant sex with her and I decided to ask for her hand.  She tells me her husband would not be happy with that.  Husband!  Bitch! Aren't you divorced!  Her answer was no and that her husband would not allow her to get divorced.  I was her escape while her husband was out running around with some other whore.  And then there was one that didn't care if she loved me or not.  She just needed a man with a good income to help raise her daughter.  When she could see that I was not quite set with a good job or income, off she went to find one that was.  She also married within a few months.  So, when your looking for someone, look beyond the surface. Find out why they are with you.  What is behind all of their efforts of being with you?  Just what the hell is their intention?  I wound up getting married to a person whom I thought had loved me.  It turned out that after six and a half years of marriage, she didn't get out of married life what her parents had in the thirty years of marriage that they had gotten.  She only married me because she was knocked up.  Not because she was in love with me.  All of her siblings were married and she felt left out. Besides, had she been in love with me, she wouldn't have tried to attack me once or ask me to commit suicide.  Who would do that to their spouse if they loved them?  Defined in The Train Runs No More, before you take on a partner, you had better know what you're getting into.  To this day, because my ex-wife didn't get what she wanted, even in divorce, she vowed that I would never see my children again and she has held true to her word.  She even caters to the hatred that my brother holds for me because he caters to her very wishes.  Have I missed my children?  On the one hand yes.  But, on the other, after being raised by someone with all that resentment and influence upon them, I have not missed a thing.  That only tells me just how simple minded my children are, as well as my brother, even though he thinks he is the cock of the walk.  Be careful of the shit that you step in.  You just might track it all over the place.