Some People Never Grow Up

Some people aren't mature enough to get married.  Some people are more mature than others. Some are too selfish to get married.  Some are too hateful.   Some never grow up.  And some, have no idea about marriage.  In my case, maybe I was too young, and my wife then, was too selfish as well as too young.  I was twenty five.  Twenty five.  It's only a number.  Maybe inside, I was going on sixteen.  Not that I still wanted to party.  I just saw things in a different light than what I thought it was supposed to be.  I grew up thinking marriage is supposed to be filled with love, giving, caring, respect, and yes I can't forget sex.  The sex was there that's for sure.  I think we were about equal in not being able to get enough.  But, unbeknownst to me, my ex-wife had hidden well the fact that she had ADHD.  We had some vial arguments.  I'm not going to say that I was an angel, but sometimes I didn't even know what I did except give enough in "things" that she wanted.  In the arguments, her name calling came out unlike what I had imagined marriage to be.  Sometimes I would wonder how I ever fell for this person, but I was married now, and there was no turning back.  I did not want to be another government statistic on failed marriages.  Eventually, I was given no choice.  I lost that battle.  Along with that, the older sibling brother whom held a dislike for me since the day I invaded his territory, began waging a war against me that hasn't quit yet.  As I said, some people never grow up.  It was a long, arduous battle.  It still wages on.  I don't know whom he is battling with now, but in that war, knowing that I lost, I walked away.  I no longer exist.  I no longer exist in his eyes, my ex-wife's eyes, or my children's eyes.  My ex-wife told me when she left, she would make damned sure I never saw my children again.  She has held true to her word.  A nice thing coming from one who praises the Lord day in and day out.  She told my mother one time she is even praying for her glorification in God so that when she meets with Him, she will be virgin again and bear his children.  Talk about being eaten up with religious crap!  One child is lost with all that religious indoctrination and I will never be able to see her again.  The other is lost with not treating his ADHD and going through life feeling everyone else is a fault, but him.  People have as much disdain for the word "retarded" as they do for the "N" word.  What they don't realize is a handicapped person is one that realizes that they are deficient in some manner and acquire as much help as they possibly can so that they can "make" it through life.  A retarded person is one that has an affliction and refuses help of any kind and refuses to acknowledge that they have a problem.  My son has ADHD really bad, refuses to medicate, and finds everyone else at fault.  My son wound up in jail for assault on his pregnant wife.  After my help of getting him out of jail, I have not seen him since.  He also is lost and most probably from the beckoning of my ex-wife and "loving" brother.

So, during the divorce, I stepped back.  I stepped back into drugging because my ex had visions of taking all of my money.  Her goal was to break me as much as possible, and going back to her original wish early in our marriage, that I commit suicide.  Obviously, the latter never happened.  My goal was to show I had too many expenses except to take care of my children to the limits of the law, which I did.  I was drugging again because it felt good inside.  It took away the pain.  It made me feel good on the outside.  I could "see" things "I ain't never seen before".  I was finding satisfaction.  But, it wasn't enough.  Finally, I reached for an area that my ex was hoping for.  But, I got interrupted.  After that, I decided to take a trip across the country for my vacation that I earned from work.  I packed up my backpack and hitchhiked across the country.  During my week of hitchhiking, I was finding fresh air, God's sunlight, and association with people that I would ordinarily not have met.  I also forgot to take my drugs with me.  The withdrawals began while out on the road.  The one thing about it, I don't possess that gene that tells me I am going to be addicted to this or to that.  While out on the road, I had to quit because I had no choice.  Recognizing the symptoms, sometimes I would turn down rides.  I didn't want people to see me like that.  My withdrawal wasn't as bad as other people's withdrawals.  I have been around some that I would just rather shoot them between the eyes with a 12 gauge shotgun just to put them out of their misery.  By the end of two weeks, I was my old self again, appreciating the fact that I was still alive, even more so, that I defied the wishes of my ex-wife and sibling brother.  To this day, he has yet to give up on trying to crush me, yet I continue to step over his debris field, and march on because I have to.  And that is what pisses him off the most.  I ignore all his attempts.  I move on and I am satisfied.

Beyond the surface

So, you find somebody; like I did.  They were fun to be with.  They were happy to go out with you.  They were enjoying spending your money with you, not to mention the sex that was exchanged.  As long as they kept the sex coming, you kept the money coming, no pun intended.  But what was really behind all of that?  Did they really want to be with you?  Or were you just an escape bridge to get them out of the home they were in or the situation they were in.  My encounter is described in The Train Runs No More.  In my case, one attractive blonde lady was living with her divorced, alcoholic mother in a place that I wouldn't even house my dog in.  But the sex was great.  When she saw that I wasn't ready to get married or even ask her to marry me, she decided to call it quits.  She was married within a month after leaving me.  She wanted out of the house that she was in.  I was dating a beautiful Mexican lady for a while.  She had two beautiful, young daughters that I used to help her carry in from the car when they fell asleep on the way home from the baby sitter's house, as though I were their father.  I had been under the impression that she was divorced.  After several months of constant sex with her and I decided to ask for her hand.  She tells me her husband would not be happy with that.  Husband!  Bitch! Aren't you divorced!  Her answer was no and that her husband would not allow her to get divorced.  I was her escape while her husband was out running around with some other whore.  And then there was one that didn't care if she loved me or not.  She just needed a man with a good income to help raise her daughter.  When she could see that I was not quite set with a good job or income, off she went to find one that was.  She also married within a few months.  So, when your looking for someone, look beyond the surface. Find out why they are with you.  What is behind all of their efforts of being with you?  Just what the hell is their intention?  I wound up getting married to a person whom I thought had loved me.  It turned out that after six and a half years of marriage, she didn't get out of married life what her parents had in the thirty years of marriage that they had gotten.  She only married me because she was knocked up.  Not because she was in love with me.  All of her siblings were married and she felt left out. Besides, had she been in love with me, she wouldn't have tried to attack me once or ask me to commit suicide.  Who would do that to their spouse if they loved them?  Defined in The Train Runs No More, before you take on a partner, you had better know what you're getting into.  To this day, because my ex-wife didn't get what she wanted, even in divorce, she vowed that I would never see my children again and she has held true to her word.  She even caters to the hatred that my brother holds for me because he caters to her very wishes.  Have I missed my children?  On the one hand yes.  But, on the other, after being raised by someone with all that resentment and influence upon them, I have not missed a thing.  That only tells me just how simple minded my children are, as well as my brother, even though he thinks he is the cock of the walk.  Be careful of the shit that you step in.  You just might track it all over the place.