It's Only My Humble Opinion

I want to point out the fact that I am a professor of nothing.  As I have stated before, I have performed no scientific studies.  I have taken no particular surveys.  I have only performed my own personal observations, and have formed my own humble opinion.  I have run into situations, stopped and looked at the situation and have asked myself why.  Then I began to look at others and "watch" for answers.  But, I was trying to compare apples to oranges and the results weren't "true" results.

You have raised a child for years, five years, seven years, nine years.  Both parents "ogled" over their child from birth, celebrating their child's birthdays with their friends, taking their child to Disneyland, Sixflags, Universal Studios, presenting them with toys, and entertainment of all kinds, even being admired and appreciated by the friends and relatives of the parents. The Easter Bunny only has to visit one basket, and Santa Claus only has one choice of a plate of cookies to choose from.  Life is wonderful. Then one find day another child comes along.  The first child has "had it all to himself/herself" all these years.  Now, there's an invasion.  An invasion to the presentation to Santa Claus.  The Easter Bunny has to bring an extra load of eggs.  Half the toys at Christmas now belong to somebody else.  Attention from the parents is now being divided between the older and the younger child.  The older child doesn't get all of the admiration of others that they used to get.  The older child has been to school long enough to "learn reason".  They have been to school long enough to know how to manipulate.  We try to teach acceptance.  They have acquired something that we all try to teach our children not to do-hate.  Few are taught what selfishness is.  Few parents recognize what selfishness is.  In some cases selfishness can coexist with hate.  None of this means that the parents love the older child any less than the "newer" younger child.  It's just different.  It has to be different in order to bring the younger child up in the world.  But in the eyes of the older child, it is not viewed this way.  Their territory has now been invaded by an uninvited guest.  No matter how much time has been spent preparing the older child for a new member to the family, the physical presence is not realized until it happens.

This is something that must be contemplated.  Parents should realize what the results of such a situation might be.  Not that that will be.  Again, this is no scientific study.  This is something that should be discussed between the parents to see if they really want to do this.  This is not about abortion.  That discussion is for another blog and not mine.  Each individual has their own situation and all of America can not decide for an individual what is best for them because they are not in that situation and this is an argument that will go on until the end of time.  This blog is not the place for that.  My discussion is only the results that have occurred in my family and the discoveries that I have made.  One discovery that I have made is that I was a mistake.  It was unfortunate for my parents that they were going to have another child and especially so many years later, but they never thought twice about it.  It happened.  I happened and they made the best of it.  However, I don't think my sibling brother has ever made the best of it.  It has been trying most of my life with my brother.  With my friends and acquaintances that have siblings, there are maybe one or two years apart from each other and life is wonderful for them even into their elder years.  That has not been the case in mine.  I have paid dearly all these years.  Only now am I able to look back at the mine field and decipher where I should have done this or should have done that and maybe life would not have turned out the way it has.  I have also learned that one cannot change the mindset of the other.  Each has to do it on their own, and they have to make their own decisions.  How much pain does one want to endure?  How much conflict does one want to continue with?  Just as my ex-wife has asked me once, "If life is so bad for you, then why don't you just kill yourself?"  Her statement was then followed up with, "At least I will get the insurance money and live better".  She did make me stop and think if I was really "seeing" everything in a negative way.  However, the company I worked for at the time covered their employees with a ten thousand dollar life insurance policy.  Ten thousand dollars.  Is that all it takes for her to live "better"?  Ten thousand dollars"?  Really?  And then insurances don't pay if there is death by suicide.  For that, I should have gotten out a long time ago.  Maybe it would have cost me less after all this time.  She has hoped that I would commit suicide ever since.  And somehow she has also been able to "charm" my older brother as well.  That couldn't have been too hard though since he has hated my very existence from birth.  He has interfered with my relationship with my children ever since the divorce and now my ex-wife has gotten exactly what she had hoped for.  She hoped for the longest time that my children would never see me again.  They haven't.  For minds that weak that they can't see through the smoke and mirrors, I have to let all of that go if I want to have a more satisfying, fulfilling life.  If I have to make sacrifices just for me to go through life without depression, so be it.  There are some lyrics by John Lennon that state:

 "You ask me for a contribution
Well, you know
We're doing what we can
But when you want money
For people with minds that hate
All I can tell is brother you have to wait"

The only time my daughter contacted me was to ask for a contribution to go to Europe so that she could pray for a bunch of hookers in Germany that chose to be in that profession.  She hadn't seen me for two or three years by that time and then she sent me an email asking for a contribution.  No phone call.  Just an email.  She can't visit with her father, but she can go to Europe for the benefit of some hookers?  You must be kidding me.  Needless to say, I did not contribute and she has not spoken to me since, so the Missions to the Netherlands in my humble opinion with have to wait.

Research before bringing another child into the "world" so far apart from the next oldest child.  Find out what the repercussions are of having children so far apart.  Are you willing to endure the headaches and tolerances they you will have to go through or present you with?  Are you so special that you will be able to make smooth the paths between the two?  Are you willing to do this until the day you die?  My mother had to die with me being prevented from hearing her last words or even being allowed to attend her funeral services.  She had to die with her family in shambles.  It's only my humble opinion.

Some People Never Grow Up

Some people aren't mature enough to get married.  Some people are more mature than others. Some are too selfish to get married.  Some are too hateful.   Some never grow up.  And some, have no idea about marriage.  In my case, maybe I was too young, and my wife then, was too selfish as well as too young.  I was twenty five.  Twenty five.  It's only a number.  Maybe inside, I was going on sixteen.  Not that I still wanted to party.  I just saw things in a different light than what I thought it was supposed to be.  I grew up thinking marriage is supposed to be filled with love, giving, caring, respect, and yes I can't forget sex.  The sex was there that's for sure.  I think we were about equal in not being able to get enough.  But, unbeknownst to me, my ex-wife had hidden well the fact that she had ADHD.  We had some vial arguments.  I'm not going to say that I was an angel, but sometimes I didn't even know what I did except give enough in "things" that she wanted.  In the arguments, her name calling came out unlike what I had imagined marriage to be.  Sometimes I would wonder how I ever fell for this person, but I was married now, and there was no turning back.  I did not want to be another government statistic on failed marriages.  Eventually, I was given no choice.  I lost that battle.  Along with that, the older sibling brother whom held a dislike for me since the day I invaded his territory, began waging a war against me that hasn't quit yet.  As I said, some people never grow up.  It was a long, arduous battle.  It still wages on.  I don't know whom he is battling with now, but in that war, knowing that I lost, I walked away.  I no longer exist.  I no longer exist in his eyes, my ex-wife's eyes, or my children's eyes.  My ex-wife told me when she left, she would make damned sure I never saw my children again.  She has held true to her word.  A nice thing coming from one who praises the Lord day in and day out.  She told my mother one time she is even praying for her glorification in God so that when she meets with Him, she will be virgin again and bear his children.  Talk about being eaten up with religious crap!  One child is lost with all that religious indoctrination and I will never be able to see her again.  The other is lost with not treating his ADHD and going through life feeling everyone else is a fault, but him.  People have as much disdain for the word "retarded" as they do for the "N" word.  What they don't realize is a handicapped person is one that realizes that they are deficient in some manner and acquire as much help as they possibly can so that they can "make" it through life.  A retarded person is one that has an affliction and refuses help of any kind and refuses to acknowledge that they have a problem.  My son has ADHD really bad, refuses to medicate, and finds everyone else at fault.  My son wound up in jail for assault on his pregnant wife.  After my help of getting him out of jail, I have not seen him since.  He also is lost and most probably from the beckoning of my ex-wife and "loving" brother.

So, during the divorce, I stepped back.  I stepped back into drugging because my ex had visions of taking all of my money.  Her goal was to break me as much as possible, and going back to her original wish early in our marriage, that I commit suicide.  Obviously, the latter never happened.  My goal was to show I had too many expenses except to take care of my children to the limits of the law, which I did.  I was drugging again because it felt good inside.  It took away the pain.  It made me feel good on the outside.  I could "see" things "I ain't never seen before".  I was finding satisfaction.  But, it wasn't enough.  Finally, I reached for an area that my ex was hoping for.  But, I got interrupted.  After that, I decided to take a trip across the country for my vacation that I earned from work.  I packed up my backpack and hitchhiked across the country.  During my week of hitchhiking, I was finding fresh air, God's sunlight, and association with people that I would ordinarily not have met.  I also forgot to take my drugs with me.  The withdrawals began while out on the road.  The one thing about it, I don't possess that gene that tells me I am going to be addicted to this or to that.  While out on the road, I had to quit because I had no choice.  Recognizing the symptoms, sometimes I would turn down rides.  I didn't want people to see me like that.  My withdrawal wasn't as bad as other people's withdrawals.  I have been around some that I would just rather shoot them between the eyes with a 12 gauge shotgun just to put them out of their misery.  By the end of two weeks, I was my old self again, appreciating the fact that I was still alive, even more so, that I defied the wishes of my ex-wife and sibling brother.  To this day, he has yet to give up on trying to crush me, yet I continue to step over his debris field, and march on because I have to.  And that is what pisses him off the most.  I ignore all his attempts.  I move on and I am satisfied.

Decide Where You are The Most Comfortable

You grow up with people that no longer get the reaction from you that they used to.  Or maybe you view things even more differently now that you are out of high school than they did.  Your thought patterns have become wiser.  All the while, they have not reached that point yet and they no longer get from you the energy they once received.  You've separated yourself from the pack.  You're wounds begin to heal.  Then you meet that special someone and maybe it didn't turn out like it should have.  All they do is cost you money, whether it be through acquiring things, or going to something that someone that has sold them tickets to because it was simply a fund raiser for this cause or that.  You're spending money all the time and you never see your bank account increasing.  You sit down with that someone to discuss what your goal is as a couple, but they don't want to talk about it.  You're deemed selfish because you don't want to spend any money.  Really?  Why not spend some money on something that will do you the most good, like a house instead of an apartment where you are compartmentalized amongst a bunch of other people that you don't find that desirable to be around?  You may have to start with an apartment, but why end up there?  It may take a while to get that down payment, but all it takes is patience, focus, and fortitude.  But let's say that part didn't happen.  The torment begins in "The Train Runs No More".  Let's say that your field of career choice requires you to move if you want to maintain the same living standard that you have been able to acquire.  You have now earned this vast amount of money in a field that you love, but because of American greed, or poor economy due to cut backs and policies made by the political administration in office, you have to go through a company wide layoff.  You have finally gained the understanding from your spouse that with the restraint of always having to buy something, your bank account is now growing and in order to maintain that, you have to move to another region just to maintain what both of you have acquired so far.  But the field that you have chosen is economically driven and although you are earning money that you have never seen before without having to resort to selling drugs, you now are moving periodically, just to maintain.  Your spouse finally says, "Screw this crap.  I can do better on my own!"  And you split.  After a time, you purchase a house. You buy a new car.  You wear better clothing and you do this by yourself.  Your spouse on the other hand, lives in an apartment, and then move to another because they can't make the rent, and then another.  Resorting to what looks like an opportunity to buy a house on a government program designed to help the poor by paying one dollar a month to pay for this house, and they can't even do that by themselves.  They become embittered.  Where there is children involved and they have won primary custody, their attitude is now being impressed upon the children, but because you are unable to be with your children the way you used to be, they have become weak and embittered just like your spouse.  You have no choice in the matter when they are simply used as a tool of extraction for more money than what is deemed by the court only to find that it is not being used the way it was intended.  You say no more.  Then you become isolated from your children.  Your older sibling, which already hates you because you came into his world and messed things up for him, becomes an opportunity for your now ex-spouse.  Together, they plot, they machinate against you while they think that you can't see the forest for the trees.  What time you do get with your children is only spent with you revealing "secrets" to them because they were sent as "spies".  How do you know this?  Because after they return home, a week or so passes, long enough for the ex-spouse to be "briefed", and suddenly the children need this great sum of money.  Being nice, you give it to them the first time only to find out it didn't go where it was supposed to go.  So the next time you tell them no.  Then the embitterment sets in and eventually you have to make a decision as to whether you want to maintain a relationship no matter how unhappy you are forced to be, somewhat like it was with all of those idiots that you grew up with taking advantage of you, and antagonizing you.  You're still being bullied.  It's just taken on a new form and this time, it has been passed on to another generation.  Or you decide to let go, and go on enjoying the happy, enjoyable life that you are in at the moment.  Only you can decide where you are the most comfortable.