Who's Winning?

Your classmates, if that's what you want to call them, pick on you daily.  They say horrendous things to you to make you feel inadequate.  They say things in front of the entire class or in front of a special person that you like and make you feel incompetent. These so called classmates do everything they can to make you feel pathetic.  Your reaction to this because you don't feel accepting to the things they say or do is to skip a day or so of school.  Then that day or so will turn to a week or so.  Then eventually you decide to drop out of school because you feel better about just staying away altogether.  Who won?  Do you know who won?  They won.  They were able to drive you away from the circle of people they wish they could attract.  There was something about you that they became jealous of and they felt the need to drive you away.  You walk around the halls of your school with a scowl on your face because you feel unpleasant about the way you have been treated when you should be doing exactly the opposite.  You should be walking around with a smile on your face big enough to out shine the sun.  Face your enemy and show them that whatever they are doing to you, hasn't effected you.  Carry your head high, stick your chest out like a good soldier and march on through the mud.  Your weapon will be your smile and your outward projection.

When you get home, if you feel the need, breakdown.  Cry.  Scream.  Do something that makes you feel better at getting the frustrations out so long as it does not harm others.  When you are done, write it down.  Journal it.  You think, 'Oh, what a stupid idea!'  Really?  I used to say the same thing.  As described in my book, The Train Runs No More I was bothered by a dream for thirty eight years because I did not think that by writing all of my disappointments down would do any good.  The moment I began to write is the moment a pressure valve opened and began letting off all the steam.  You will be amazed at how well it works.  For years I would refuse this suggestion by professional psychologists that I would go and express myself to.  Then I began to write.  A week after I began to write, the dreams had stopped.  I began to get more sleep.  I began to feel rested when I woke up in the morning.  I should have done this years ago.  For those of you reading this and are still young, you should do this now while you are still in your formative years.  If you feel you must find another school to attend, find it.  Stay in school and get your education.  While these other people are burning up their energy to figure out another way to drive you nuts, you are getting your education to possibly do some good in the world or place yourself in a better position than they could ever dream of.  Your happiness may not be now.  Your satisfaction may not be now.  Your gratitude may not be now.  All of this you have to work at.  Once your satisfaction and happiness come, you will be able to appreciate more.  Everything does not have to be now. 

As a teenager, you know more than your parents.  At least you think you do.  Even though your parents have lived a lifetime more than you, you still feel you know more than your parents.  It's when you become educated and have children that grow to be teenagers that you begin to know less than their children.  It happens with every generation.  You, yourself will be thought of as knowing less than your children when the time comes.  You will be amazed at how that works.  However, once you begin to sit and talk with your parents and I mean actually talk, then you will become as well educated as your parents and you will be able to handle your position in the world so much better.  You just have to be willing to open your mind and throw away the lock.  Listen to what they have to say.  Apply their ideas of yesterday to your issues of today and your world could be a better place.  Open up and listen.

Sneaky People

Sneaky people are those that will do something that they don't want you to know about.  They will plot behind your back and smile to your face.  They will ask you questions that you wonder why they are asking only to find out later they that they needed more ammunition.  Once they have pulled off their plot or committed some act of evil against you that they think that you don't know about, they remove themselves from whatever entity they think you can look them up in.  I have what I call acquaintances, that have unlisted their telephone numbers from the phone company.  They have removed themselves from the different social networks.  They have gone to a lot of trouble to hide from those they have offended.  When they have done this, you know that they realize they have done something hideous to you and they are not man enough to face you.  They no longer have the balls to come out into the light.  Whereas, if you are a friend of mine and I tell you something that I don't like about what you are doing to me, if you are still my friend, you will stop the act that you are committing and remain my friend, understanding the fact that I didn't like your offense.  Those are true friends.  The ones that have been caught, admit it and then go away, never to return.  Good riddance.  Even my older sibling brother has removed himself from the white pages, has no visible social media page, and thinks I cannot locate his address in Little Rock, Arkansas.  Too bad for him.  With my access to "tools" on the internet, I have already found his address and the piece of shit house he lives in in Arkansas.  Arkansas.  The poorest state in the union and why anyone would want to move to the poorest state in the union is beyond me.  For my brother thinking that he is so well educated that he has to ridicule the very people he works around in the hospital he works at, if those people are so dumb and stupid as he says they are, why stay there?  If they are so poorly educated, why not take a stand and help to promote better education there?  It's so much easier to complain about something than it is to fix something.  It's so much easier to ridicule someone than it is to help them.  I haven't met a nurse yet that doesn't think they are better than anyone else walking in an upright position.  Most of my high school classmates have become unlisted as though they think I am going to find them up one day.  Who gives a rat's ass?  Why would I ever want to reminisce such a horrible experience in my life?  Why would anyone?  By the way, I found them all anyway.  Away from them, I have become a better person, enjoyed life more, appreciated people better, and am able to decide in a short span of time whether I want to accept a person or not.  All of those people have taught me a great lesson.  They have taught me how to read a person.  Too bad that all of those people are taking such a long time to die off.  The best Karma there is, is the fact that they are all dying off at a younger age than myself and I am continuing on enjoying life.  My only hope is that I can teach the younger ones how to handle all of the maltreatment that they receive.  I certainly don't need a degree or book sense to realize when I or anyone else is being treated badly.  My advice isn't professional by any means.  It is life's experience and how mean and cruel people can be to one another.  If you want a true and loyal friend that will be by your side through thick and thin, that can read you like no other, that will love you unconditionally, get a dog.  To find a mate that will love you unconditionally, those are far and few between.  I have finally found a mate that does just that and she and I have been together for over twenty years now.  Unconditional love.  That is what really matters.  She doesn't try to change me.  I don't try to change her.  She is my best friend and my go to person.  She is my person.  That is the mate one should try to find.  Not one just because you are lonely.  Why find one that treats you badly, rather than be alone?   I have never understood that.  That only tells me that someone is lacking in self respect.  Love one's self first, then love another.  When you begin to love yourself, then you begin to find the one that you want.

The Inmates Run The Asylum

I know of a couple with two children.  When we go to visit with them, the moment we step through the door there is this noise in the home.  The noise sounds as though there is a crowd of people in there.  There is the television blaring in the background because it can't be heard over the noise.  There is a stereo in another room turned on trying to drown out the noise of the "crowd" and be heard over the television, and then there is our noise of greetings and salutations trying to be heard over all of the combined noise.  At that moment it simply sounds like a dull roar.  Just how Walter Cronkite used to end his evening news report, "And that's the way it is".  All of the time.

Every year we get together with all of our close friends that live a bit of a distance away, including the couple referred to above.  We get together to watch a special program that comes on once a year.  This year I noticed one of the husbands of one of our other friends was pretty much standing through the entire program, close to one of the speakers connected to the television.  I began taking note as to why.   The couple with the two children, their children were making so much noise that the television could not be heard.  There was an additional child of another guest that was playing with the children and whom also was as noisy as the other two children only because that child had someone to play with amongst all of the adults there.  I sat and looked around and listened.  Pretty much all of the adults were paying attention to the programming, concentrating on what could be heard from the television.  There was some minor conversation going, but that was comments about what was being shown.  The noise was mainly coming from the children and as the volume of the television increased for the courtesy of our guests, so did the volume of the children.  I had turned to the mother of the two older children and I commented on the husband standing so close to the speaker as though he were trying to listen to the program.  She replied that he was trying to hear the program.  She said they have the same problem in their home.  They can't hear the television no matter how loud it gets because of the noise of the children and what is on the television is never any adult programming.  They have two televisions and neither of them can they watch because the moment they sit down to watch television the children gravitate in there with them but don't watch nor do they listen, but the television can't be heard because of the noise being heard from the children.  They haven't even watched the news for years.  As a test, I asked her about something what happened on Desperate Housewives.  She was not aware of the program because they weren't able to sit down and watch television.  They simply can't hear it.  She went on to tell me that during the evening hours, every light in the house is turned on lighting it up like a Christmas tree because the children just can't enter a dark room.  They aren't afraid of the dark.  The light just has to be on.  While speaking with her, one of the children came over during our conversation and complained that we did not have our light on in the kitchen.  The mother did have the gumption to explain that we are in someone else's home and here we don't have all the lights home.  The child started to react negatively and the mother told her that if they had to, they could go sit in the truck until they decided to leave, but the lights will stay off because that is the way we want it in our home.  The child turned to me as if to ask if the light could be turned on and my immediate reply was to leave it off since there was no reason to have it on in an area where no one was.  She turned and walked back to play with the other children.  I don't cater to ill behavior by children and I don't cater to ill behavior by adults.  The mother went on to explain that pretty much their house is run by the children and they cater to their needs.  So as far as doing "adult" things, that is out of the question.

One thing to note in this is that the older child has been diagnosed with autism.  Now, I have seen children diagnosed with autism that will not recognize who stands before them.  Sometimes they will sit in a place and rock, or they will sit in a corner and rock endlessly because it makes them feel comfortable and safe.  I have also seen them with autism so bad that they have to wear helmets to keep them from harming themselves when they run head first into a wall.  This child, if the child has autism, is not that bad.  What I feel the child has is a severe case of Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder.  What makes it worse is the parents cater to the child's wants and rarely lift a finger of correction to her except to take her to a school of special needs.  What the child really needs is to be told, "No" once in awhile and as crushing as that may sound to the child, the child needs to be put in their place instead of directing the parents as to what to do.  This is a very young child now.  I hate to see what happens when they become an educated teenager.  Already, I can sit by and watch the situations between mother and child or father and child and I can tell that this child knows exactly what button to push and at what time to push it.  In the end, she gets what she wants.  She may have to work at it a little longer than at other times, but eventually she gets what she wants when all along, if that was going to be the end result the parents should have just immediately said, "Yes".

Cater.  I don't cater.  I don't cater to nobody.  If I see something that is unreasonable, I don't give in unless there will be a positive result.  Some parents are afraid to simply say "No!".  Some parents will allow their child to sit in their lap on a flight somewhere and kick the back of the sit in front of them THE WHOLE FREAKIN' FLIGHT!  Those are the parents that I would like to just turn around in my seat, reach down the parents throat, grab them by the asshole and rip it back through their mouth.  This was at a time before 9/11 and people were not so annoyed, but this no longer is tolerated because the flight attendants will not tolerate any kind of violent reaction on board anymore.  Lucky for me.

I was raised with corporal punishment.  If I did something wrong, the infraction was weighed with the level of punishment to be doled out.  If the infraction deemed corporal punishment, then either I got spanked with a hand or a belt and nothing more.  It only took one or two swats before I decided that I would not be performing that infraction again.  So, pretty much, I grew up a good boy until I got "educated".  Then I had to get myself out of my own trouble.  Parents today are even afraid to say no.  They won't lift a finger toward the child because they don't want to crush the child's esteem.  Or, they may cause brain damage if they receive a swat.  If a swat on the bottom may cause brain damage, that child has a lot more trouble going on for it than just to follow instruction.  There's always a time for using a corporal punishment and not every infraction should be dealt with using corporal punishment otherwise it becomes useless.  At the same time, when using corporal punishment, that is not to say stand there and whip the child like an impudent horse.  I can't stand it when I hear of a child being beat by a parent.  That parent needs to be taken out behind the wood shed and be educated himself.  There is always reasonable punishment to fit the crime.

Getting back to the noise, all children make noise.  I don't mind it.  But when it becomes so loud that it begins to interfere, then they need to take it some place else, play more quietly, or not at all.  We can be reasonable.  I like to watch children play and have a good time because I try to see things through their eyes.  I try to envision what they see before I became educated.  I'm sure, as adults, we all miss that time before responsibility became a way of life.  But why allow the inmates to run the asylum?

Everybody Must Get Stoned

To borrow a chorus from a tremendously great balladeer, Bob Dylan from his song, "Rainy Day Women",

Well, they’ll stone you when you walk all alone
They’ll stone you when you are walking home
They’ll stone you and then say you are brave
They’ll stone you when you are set down in your grave
But I would not feel so all alone
Everybody must get stoned

There is so much truth to this song, but it's not just referring to women, although this has taken place with my ex-wife.  It will come from all those that you grew up with that were jealous of you for this reason or that.  Their jealousy and insecurities became such that they had to pick on you, harass you, persecute you, and ostracize you.  It might even come from your own siblings.  You might be made to feel like you are the bad seed, the little chick in the nest that needs to be pushed out of the nest to the ground and wither away.  With some it will last for a short period.  With some it will last a while.  Others, it will last a life time.  Yes, friends, everybody must get stoned.

So, I have walked alone.  I have entertained myself and have depended upon no one for my entertainment.  I have been self supporting and even attained a six figure salary at one time doing laboring work like being an aircraft  mechanic.  But after awhile I just got tired of being a gypsy, moving from one place to another, so that I could stay in the aircraft field and at that salary.  Oh, I landed a job with this corporation or that for awhile, until a layoff would come.  That would be because of something peculiar with the economy.  If I wanted to stay in that salary range, then I would have to move where I could land the next aircraft job.  That was part of the reason for my first marriage to become so disrupted.  The constant moving.  I stayed in the field after the divorce because where else am I going to find that kind of money to pay my child support?  I am one of those fathers that is responsible for those whom he brought into the world.  But then, when the money came to a halt, so did the relationship from the children.  They were legally bound by the court to continue my visitation, but after that, no longer legally bound and the mother knew that and she made damned sure that she made that impression upon the children.  I have not seen them since.  If it has not been mentioned before in this blog, but mentioned in my book, you have to remember that the mother also had ADHD.  She was just able to hide it from me very well.  My son also has ADHD.  Both are focused only on what is important to them and them only.  If anyone gets in the way of their focus, they become mean and hateful, and everyone else becomes the villain because everyone else is wrong except for them.  Yes.  Everybody must get stoned.  This will last even when I am set down in my grave.  For my brother, whom is nine years older than myself, if by the graces of God, I expire first, I wouldn't be surprised if he came to my grave and pissed on it.  That's how much my brother cares about his little brother.  Everybody must get stoned.  

Respect and Honor

I was watching The Last Samuri one day.  It's a story of total and undeniable respect for a hated enemy; an enemy (Katsumoto) that does not want to accept the influence of the west upon traditional Japan.  Although Katsumoto is the enemy and ordered to be killed by the imperial soldiers, he still commands the respect of the imperial soldiers under the command of the Imperial Emperor of Japan, although the control of the Imperial Emperor is weak.  As Katsumoto lies dying in the field of battle, all of the attacking soldiers of the "new" Japan laid down their weapons, crouched to the ground and kneeled, placing their forehead all the way to the ground showing great honor and great respect.

I feel that respect even with "commoners" has fallen by the wayside.  There is no respect for the fellow man.  The fellow man is taken for granted.  The fellow man is always there, always in competition of something perceived, always an invasion to another's "territory".  If there is one ounce of suspicion that more attention will be given to another, then the enemy shall be harassed, ridiculed, persecuted, and ostracized until they are removed from sight.  As the old saying goes, "out of sight, out of mind".  If the bully feels the least bit threatened, they will do whatever it is necessary to get rid of the imposer.  The one being bullied only wishes to "move through the crowd" without confrontation.  If they have to they will make things up so that they will gain the attention that they wish for nothing more than to be left alone.  Some will find influence in the company of another level of society.  All the victim of bullying is looking for is just a little respect from their peers.  That's all.  Just a little respect.  Nothing more.  The only reason that a person bullies another is because they feel deficient in one area or another, or maybe even all areas and therefore, they have to take their deficiency out on those that appear weaker than themselves.  Somehow the physical size of a person denotes to another that they may be more knowledgeable than others.  This may not be a true account, but why shouldn't it be?  Otherwise, why would they have followers unless the followers are just as bad as the bully.  In some cases, they are.  Sometimes the victimized feel they will regain honor by striking back against the bully.  Sometimes that works. Sometimes it exacerbates the issue.  Sometimes the result is pernicious.  Not only is the bully removed from the problem, but the problem of disrespect remains thereby being ostracized altogether so striking back didn't work either.

Many times we only perceive what others think of us.  We don't actually know what others think of us until we interact with them.  Our own perception becomes our enemy.  When we do try to interact and win the influence of others, we try too hard and push our targets away even further.  Maybe we have tried a technique at the influence of others, but our case is not the same as theirs and the conclusion turns out with a negative ending.  Maybe we've tried a technique suggested by another because they are older and therefore wiser in the ways of the world.  The consequence as it turns out was only so that the "wise" would have more strength in the area he was trying to acquire.

As is the case with my older sibling.  Being that he never wanted a younger brother to start with since he had "it" all to himself for nine years, he was able to influence other members of the family, due to his stature, that I am just simply a horrible person.  Having socialized with some of the other family members at one occasion, the conversation with them led me to believe that I was not too far from my feelings.  I am never called on the phone by any of them.  I am never so much as written a letter by any of them, I am not even so much as thought of even in that moment of strain in the bathroom.  Even with my own daughter, I do not exist.  She is simply the result of that entity that the Christian world follows called God.  I have even found bullying in the Christian world, of which my ex-wife is so much a part of.  Sometimes I wonder about our legal system and wonder why they feel the mother is so much better to keep the children with than the father, except for the sheer fact that the mother is the one whom bore these children.  Bullying.  It exists everywhere.  It is in all walks of life, and it is masked by many different "faces".  One just has to weave their way through this world like a pin ball machine.  Sometimes it can become scarring.  One can beat a child into submission.  Eventually, those physical scars will go away.  It's the emotional scarring that can trail on throughout our entire lives.  Some of us can only suppress it for so long.  Others have no release except to let explode as though it were the volcano Mt. Vesuvius.  Even then, the innocent caught up in its path will be harmed in one manner or another, sometimes even death.

The best thing to do is find one single person that can be confided in and trusted.  They are hard and few between.  Release your emotions to them.  Relinquish your thoughts to them.  Let them help you find that area that is not so dark and cold.  Few of us do that.  Meditate.  Some think that it is hokey to meditate.  Don't knock it if you haven't tried it.  Reaching that relaxing, emotional state can be satisfying.  In the end, if you realize that sacrificing the relationship of others will be the difference between you having peace of mind or having constant turmoil in your life, then you must do what is needed if you desire that peace.  Once it is done, don't look back.  Don't revisit.  All you do is reopen the wound.  My father used to tell me that my best days would be in high school.  Really?  He grew up in a different age than I did.  People I went to school with are a lot colder than when he went to school.  The people he went to school with remained friends with him until the day he died.  I, on the other hand, have been ostracized from any and all high school reunions.  Why in the hell would I ever want to cherish those days.  Some of them never quit.  They try to contact me as though they were a long lost friend only so they could discover whether or not I am still alive.  There was no respect then.  I don't have respect now.  Why in the hell do I want to go back.  I have a peace in my life that can't be matched now.  I have a satisfaction in my life that my even my brother hasn't been able to achieve.  That's why he has even stolen the relationship of my daughter from me.  If she, a practicing, devout Christian that she is, has forsaken her father in such a manner that I do not exist, if she is that mean and hateful of me, then I don't need that kind of relationship in my life if I want to achieve the peacefulness, the satisfaction, the love, and the caring that I have with my current wife.

Respect and honor.  There is no more.

The Ohio School Shooting Aftermath

After another senseless, thoughtless act of momentary selfishness of self satisfaction has taken place, and as I said before, it's like taking drugs, the satisfaction only lasts for a short period then it is over.  The fallout begins.

It appears the family of T J Lane was so dis-functional that none of the immediate family could live together.  T J had to live with his grandparents because the father was horribly destructive to others around him, including serving time in prison, and the mother was some sort of drug addict.  The brother, from one news report is also a smack addict.  There is only a mere mention of a sister. T J himself had already been arrested for assault once before; the apple not falling far from the tree. 

It's children like this that fall short in life and need more than just help.  Most reports on the above story are that he was a typical teenager.  There was one or two fellow students saying that he was bullied.  Bullied or not, that does not give him the right to release his anxiety, anger, and frustrations out on others.  It's usually children that are singled out in school and bullied, but this does not seem the case here.  It's children like this that the train keeps running for.

Had this boy been removed from the home sooner along with his other siblings, their life probably could have turned out more meaningful, more productive.  It did seem from other reports that this boy seemed to be turned around once the grandparents gained custody, but at the same time, maybe T J saw himself "different" because he was living with "older" custodians.  One never knows what goes on in the mind of a child or what they see unless we pry into the "business" of the child and do a "study".  This is not a slap against the grandparents.  I commend them for taking custody of their grandson when the parents could not possibly find themselves parenting.

Students in school don't realize what they do to another when they tease a fellow classmate.  Some children can accept teasing.  Teasing is good in one sense as it teaches us to become "thick skinned".  However, there is teasing and there is ridiculing.  Once or twice is teasing.  Three or four times is harassing and any more than that is ridiculing.  Once the ridiculing begins, the thought patterns in one's mind begin to change.  With some only anger takes place.  With others, anger takes on the form of hostility, and hostility turns to acts of violence.  With the act of violence comes the destruction as we have witnessed in the news, not only this time, but time and time again.  We need to find a way to break into all of this dis-functionality and correct it before it takes its toll on everyone.  Far too many lives become destroyed whether its a little or a lot, whether its emotional or physical.  Far too many lives are destroyed.

Ohio School Shooting

This school shooting that happened on February 27 is exactly what this blog, what my book, "The Train Runs No More", refers to.  It refers to children that are so disturbed by something in their life that they strike out with the only thing that comes to mind first without thinking about the consequences.  Some of these children don't have a real positively influential parental figure in their life to start with.  They can only observe what others have, what others do, and wish that they had that in their life.  These kinds of children are nice up front.  They are nice to talk to, some are polite, but rarely do they speak intimately of their life "away" from the everyday norm.  The only parental figures in this poor kid's life committed spousal abuse against each other.  The mother reportedly is a drug addict.  The father, if he wasn't beating up the mother, he was assaulting another woman or a police officer.  He had no close example to follow.  He had been deemed a loner by news reports.  Most likely he was a loner because he was embarrassed by the home life that he had.  In his humiliation he didn't want to express such disappointment to his classmates.  Who wants to hear about such negativity?  He failed to find one true trustworthy person whom he could call a friend.  He lived with his grandparents because he didn't have any place else to go.  Giving them the benefit of the doubt, his grandparents probably did the best they knew how about raising a child again.  At the same time, T J Lane, the kid, had to go to school with classmates that were living with their parents, not people that were much older practicing parenting.  Maybe TJ was bothered by this.  He was "different" from other students.  Having no outlet about the goings on in his life, he expressed his thoughts by writing them down, but he probably didn't re-read them with an unbiased opinion to see what he could have done better or handled the situation better.  Instead of confiding in one tangible person, he confided in a vast number of intangible people from Facebook.  There is no closeness there.  There is no intimacy there.  There are no emotional responses from people that "see" from a different perspective there.  

Some children fall victim to playing morbid video games where they shoot, maim, and kill people.  These games are played so often by children that some fail to find the difference between fiction and reality.  I am not blaming the video game producers.  I play them myself.  I enjoy them to no end, but there is a limit to everything.  When these children are placed in real situations, it becomes hard for them to decipher which is real.  To compound the issue, a high percentage of homes in America have to have a handgun for protection.  Usually this handgun is kept within quick reach and kept loaded.  The people serious about protection keep their handgun locked up somewhere so that when a situation does occur and usually at night, they have to leap from their bed, go unlock the safe, load the weapon, and by the time they have done that, they have been found by the perpetrator and assaulted or killed.  Others just reach in the night stand by their bed, grab the gun and shoot from where they lay, or go find the perp, and when they see something move in the dark they shoot.  More likely they have shot at the wrong person and as luck would have it, they killed the person they were shooting at and it was probably the wife whom heard a noise long before you even woke up and decided to investigate herself.  Getting back to the poor, "disturbed" kid, this is where the gun was ascertained from and then taken to school. 

One thing I have never been able to understand is the satisfaction of physically harming others.  What satisfaction is gained from that kind of action?  That kind of satisfaction is like taking drugs.  It feels good only for the moment, but when the moment is over, you have to do it again.  It doesn't last.  What is gained by taking another innocent victim's life whom had no interaction in the "role" that these kids play?  In my own life and experiences I have been backed into corners with no way out at times, but I have never resorted to taking the life of others.  Maybe my own, but never others.  Only at that last moment did realization take over, and yes, even "the hand of God" reached out and showed me that my life was more precious than I realized.  For not being a "christian" or practicing Christianity, this was an astounding moment in my life.   I have always thought about others before myself.  I have always helped others before I helped myself.  I always care for and about others before myself.  It was at that moment that God reached out and asked me just to think about myself for just one moment and visualize what I was doing.  I stopped in midstream of trying to take my life and I have been the happier for it.  Although I still do not practice Christianity, nor do I even wish to promote it or any other religion, I do not take my life for granted nor anyone else's.   Each life is precious, no matter how small a role in this vast, disappointing world that we live in.  I do not take it for granted.  To the dismay of others whom do not feel that or try as they might to keep me from having any importance in life, my retribution is that I have continued to live on where other classmates have passed away earlier in life from one of life's diseases.  That is my Karma.  That is their Karma and all it requires is just a little time and patience.  For these kids, we must chip away at the ice that contains all that emotion.  We must defuse the bomb that is ticking away inside.  Become these kid's confidant.  Help them.  Invite them into our lives sometime.  Throw water on the fire that is burning inside them and help them discover "things" from another perspective.  As the old saying goes, "Two heads are better than one". 

Now, more lives were taken than has been realized.  Not only the injured students, the ones that have been killed, but also the innocent by standers, the witnesses, the survivors, the parents of the attending students, even TJ Lane himself.  He may have been a "good" kid as described by one of his classmates, but now, he will be warehoused as "damaged goods" for the rest of his life.  A kid with good grades in school that will never be able to amount to more than a hill of beans outside the joint.  He will never see the outside again.  So, rather than striking at the desired subject that he wanted to strike at, he misfired and caused more damage than can be realized.  If people could only write down their emotions, put them down and come back and read them again when they reach a better frame of mind.  Or, at least let a trustworthy friend that can be confided in and allow them to read them.  If that could only be done, there is so much "pressure" that could be released, that one cannot realize the relief that can be gained.

Expressions

I have associated with teenagers before whom in conversation have expressed some difficulty in their life.  Because of the direction the conversation would take, they must have been looking for a response, so I responded with my own experiences and how I handled them at the time.  Because of my response to their explanation, and my suggestions of how they might try handling their predicament, they then responded with, "You must be a "preacher".  It's not a matter of preaching.  If they weren't feeling some uncomfortableness in their life, they wouldn't be expressing themselves to me.  If they were expressing themselves to me, then there must have been some sign that their parents weren't interested in their feelings and emotions.  They must have been too caught up in their own lives to pay attention and listen to their children.  Some children act out violently because it is the only reaction they know to respond with.  That isn't the answer either.  The answer isn't to get back at them.  One never wants to get back at another.  They should always get even.  Getting even is a "punishment" that fits the "crime".  A child that gets so harassed, so ridiculed, so persecuted that they feel compelled to take a gun to school to "even" the score is not the answer.  That child is only getting back.  He is not getting even.  That does no good what so ever except to get someone hurt and usually, it is the innocent bystanders that get hurt.  For the child that feels this uncomfortable in life, the answer cannot be found in a day.  It can't be found in a week.  It may not even be found in a month.  It takes a great deal of contemplation.  Even outside intervention may be needed.  An immediate response is only "looking" for trouble and it will be trouble that there will be no turning back on and could even be detrimental not only to the victim, but innocent bystanders.  Patience.  As quoted by Pema Chodron, "Buddhism teaches us that patience is the antidote to anger and aggression."  One needs to stop, wait, and get "smart" about his reaction.  Whatever you do, whatever you say at that moment, it will be wrong.  His blog expresses what I cannot.  He teaches what I cannot put into words.  If everyone were to read his blog, it is my feeling many people would react differently toward one another and the world would be a better place with his teaching.  Soon, everything comes around and falls into place just as you would be hoping for.  It's all about patience.

If parents would take a moment from their busy lives, if they would put down the remote for a moment, if only they would sit with their children and allow conversation to come from them, let it flow like water from a fall; don't force it; observe and listen, then maybe they might discover something about their children.  However, those children that never speak about issues in their life, they are hiding something.  What they are hiding is only destructive to those whom love them the most.  What they don't realize is that when they hide things, they are pushing away the most important people in their life.  When they make an unsatisfactory choice, the reaction they receive may not be the one they are looking for and one of two things will happen.  Either they will lose the one that loves them the most, or the one that loves them the most will be lost forever.  The result will be the same.  For those in an uncomfortable situation, don't be afraid to express yourself.  Just be smart about who you express yourself to.  Above all, don't feed your enemy.  Just be patient.

Low Spark Of High Heeled Boys

There is a song that has some meaning behind this wonderful family of mine.  The song is called, "Low Spark Of High Heeled Boys", written by Steve Winwood and Jim Capaldi.  One of the verses is:

If I gave you everything that I owned and asked for nothing in return
Would you do the same for me as I would for you?
Or would you take me for a ride and strip me of everything, including my pride
But spirit is something that no one destroys
And the sound that I'm hearing is only the sound
The low spark of high heeled boys.

Well.  I have been taken for a ride by my brother.  He wasn't able to have children of his own so he "stole" mine.  He interfered with my relationship with my children by providing the things of which I could not provide, so now my selfish, simple, weak minded children will no longer have anything to do with me.  As I explained to them before, I don't pay people to stay away.  If they want to come and visit with me, then we can talk about their needs.  But if they don't want to bother with me, then they needn't bother with asking me for money.  So, the big ol' bro has stripped me of everything that meant a great deal to me and even my pride, but the one thing he can't strip me of is my spirit.  My spirit beckons me to step over the mine field and keep on moving through this war.  Those that drop along the way in battle, I don't even look back and worry about, just like a mercenary soldier.   I can't worry about them.  If I do, then it only brings me down.  The ol' bro and my ex-wife may have crushed my pride, but they have yet to crush my spirit.  His hatred of me has become such that he kept my mother's funeral services from me and I was never allowed to attend.  I was never allowed to say goodbye.  I will continue to rub that in too.  I wouldn't be surprised one day that I be out on the street one day and his only way to shut me up is to shoot me.

But I have digressed quite a bit from the point of this blog.  The point of this blog is for children whom feel they walk in my shoes, or parents who find their children walk in my shoes is to look at the situations that have transpired and try to correct the paths that lie before them and smooth them out.  You have to allow your children to get hurt sometime.  They need to experience disappointment.  You can't protect them all the time.  But, you cannot allow for their self esteem to be crushed like a spider underfoot.  Mine has been at times.  I have been able to recover, but probably not in the manner I should have.  I am not proud of some of the things I describe in The Train Runs No More.  They were a release for me at the time, that provided me satisfaction.  I have been driven to the point of suicide, but to the dismay of others, I managed to pull myself out of that mud.  You cannot allow your children to be so harassed by others that they are simply crushed and find no way to discover satisfaction even if it is only within themselves.  I am appalled by those that feel compelled to humiliate others so much that their victim can only find relief through suicide.  I am appalled by a mother of a boy who cannot bring herself to confront the mother of a girl that likes her son and just make a simple request of the mother to change her daughters mind.  Even closer to home, a teacher that has moved into the neighborhood tries very hard to control the other neighbors around her whom have been in the hood for years.  But because she is a teacher at a local elementary school and I will not succumb to her wishes, she tries to set me up for a malicious crime which she was unsuccessful at pulling off.  The bullying never stops at any age and for of all people, a school teacher to do what she has done, she should know better.  So, after I turned up the fire a little and drew attention to her actions, she had a choice.  Lose her job as a teacher or back the hell off.  It has been approximately three years now since she pulled her little stunt.  She doesn't even look my way anymore.  Even the local police know who I am and they even know I wouldn't attempt what she was trying her damnedest to assert.  So you see?  It never stops.  Some people never grow up, and bullying is at all levels, and in all facets of life.  It all depends on how much energy one wants to give it to keep the action going.  The best approach is just to tell these people to shove it up their ass and keep on moving.  The sound that you hear is only the low spark of high heeled boys.

Bullying Can Take On All Forms

Have you realized that bullying can take on all forms?  No?  Maybe you're fat and there's some skinny people picking on you because your fat.  Maybe you're skinny and people of average weight are picking on you because your skinny.  Maybe you have red hair and people "pick on a ginger"or you speak with some form of accent foreign to the geographical region.  Maybe there is some physical appearance that you have, handicapped or otherwise, that is not the norm of the immediate "community".  Maybe you act differently, or think differently, or maybe you're not the same religious faith as someone else.  Bullying can take many different forms and it spans many different walks of life.  Even into your own family.  One of your children has a problem with the other and they pester the crap out of them until they get what they want.  Maybe a husband isn't getting some form of satisfaction that he needs and it isn't always about sex, so he beats the crap out of his wife on a regular basis.  Or it could be the other way around.  It's been known that the wife will do the same thing.  Maybe, after your children grow up and you don't do what they ask you to do, therefore you don't get to see your grandchildren.  Really?  Seriously?  Bullying can span all walks of life even into religion.  Yes, my faithful, Christian followers!  Even into religion.

Take my particular case for instance.  In school, I didn't think like others and I didn't act like others, so I only had a few friends.  I didn't play sports like others, therefore, I was deemed uncoordinated.  Because I was uncoordinated, Guitar Playing Man proceeded to attack me one day while playing basketball.  And we were supposed to be friends.  After that, we were still friends, but the "feeling" just wasn't the same.  The many years difference between me and my brother made life difficult for me as well.  He was older.  His physique was larger, therefore, he was "smarter".  Really?  In what way?  So far, he has been able to destroy the relationship I used to have with my daughter.  He wasn't too compliant at my father's funeral either.  And my mother's funeral services?  He did have the courtesy to tell me she passed, but he never told me she was so ill that she had to be hospitalized.  I never got to speak with my mother before she died, to his satisfaction.  He told me there would be funeral services for her after her body had been cremated.  That was a year ago.  I'm still waiting for those funeral services to happen.  Just how long does it take to cremate a body anyway?  I know with my mother-in-law, it only took about three months.  If I were stopped on the side of the road somewhere and I was on fire, and if my brother were just happening to be driving by, he would only stop long enough to throw gasoline on me just to watch me burn faster. 

I didn't have the same religious faith as others I had gone to school with.  The more I looked at my own faith and began to realize how hypocritical it was, then I began to ask questions.  When I asked questions, I received a brow beating and if it wasn't that, then I was preached to by those of other faiths until I couldn't be preached to anymore, and then they preached to me some more.  When I didn't succumb to believing , then I was ostracized.

I had friend that would treat me a certain way that I felt was against the grain of the way I wanted to be treated or spoken to.  When I confronted them with what they were doing or saying, then they felt as though I were bullying them because I was expressing my feelings to them.  Because most of them were no longer allowed to treat me this way or that, they then became no longer my friends.  As the old saying goes, "if it doesn't feel good, don't do it".  Well, the treatment of me didn't feel good and I didn't like it, so I would no longer allow it to happen.  Since I would not allow it to happen anymore, the friends I do have are few, but at least we care about each other and we care for each other, and we are "there" for each other.

Bullying can take on many different faces, many different places.  Some white people feel that the blacks have to be beat until the color of their skin becomes white.  Jews don't believe that Jesus Christ is the savior that other faiths believe in and other races therefore feel their very existence must be destroyed.  Gay people must be beat until they become straight again.  If you are not a Christian, you are either beat with prayer sessions until you do become a Christian or you're ostracized.  Christians don't believe Catholics are of a christian, believing faith.  Does it really matter so long as they believe?   And if I choose not to believe but still use the bible as a moral guide, which I find some Christians not even doing, all I find is them reciting verses at the appropriate time as a useful, defensive weapon as a demonstration of their faith in God, then that is my choice as long as I treat others as I want to be treated.  But because of my feelings, I must be ostracized.

Seriously?  Is that all you have?  I come home and I close the front door and lock it.  Once I am home, I don't worry about another freaking thing unless I choose a subject that I want to be worried about.  So, ostracize away.  Keep my grandchildren away from me because if you believe that your Christian practicing mother is doing the right thing by inciting you to hate your father so much that you can't even bear to mention my name, then I don't even want to see your children that have been raised by someone with so much hate in their heart.  You continue on practicing your Christianity and your Missions to the Netherlands.  Go save your hookers of another land instead of trying to help people right here at home.  Hypocrites!

Bullying can take on all forms.

It's Only My Humble Opinion

I want to point out the fact that I am a professor of nothing.  As I have stated before, I have performed no scientific studies.  I have taken no particular surveys.  I have only performed my own personal observations, and have formed my own humble opinion.  I have run into situations, stopped and looked at the situation and have asked myself why.  Then I began to look at others and "watch" for answers.  But, I was trying to compare apples to oranges and the results weren't "true" results.

You have raised a child for years, five years, seven years, nine years.  Both parents "ogled" over their child from birth, celebrating their child's birthdays with their friends, taking their child to Disneyland, Sixflags, Universal Studios, presenting them with toys, and entertainment of all kinds, even being admired and appreciated by the friends and relatives of the parents. The Easter Bunny only has to visit one basket, and Santa Claus only has one choice of a plate of cookies to choose from.  Life is wonderful. Then one find day another child comes along.  The first child has "had it all to himself/herself" all these years.  Now, there's an invasion.  An invasion to the presentation to Santa Claus.  The Easter Bunny has to bring an extra load of eggs.  Half the toys at Christmas now belong to somebody else.  Attention from the parents is now being divided between the older and the younger child.  The older child doesn't get all of the admiration of others that they used to get.  The older child has been to school long enough to "learn reason".  They have been to school long enough to know how to manipulate.  We try to teach acceptance.  They have acquired something that we all try to teach our children not to do-hate.  Few are taught what selfishness is.  Few parents recognize what selfishness is.  In some cases selfishness can coexist with hate.  None of this means that the parents love the older child any less than the "newer" younger child.  It's just different.  It has to be different in order to bring the younger child up in the world.  But in the eyes of the older child, it is not viewed this way.  Their territory has now been invaded by an uninvited guest.  No matter how much time has been spent preparing the older child for a new member to the family, the physical presence is not realized until it happens.

This is something that must be contemplated.  Parents should realize what the results of such a situation might be.  Not that that will be.  Again, this is no scientific study.  This is something that should be discussed between the parents to see if they really want to do this.  This is not about abortion.  That discussion is for another blog and not mine.  Each individual has their own situation and all of America can not decide for an individual what is best for them because they are not in that situation and this is an argument that will go on until the end of time.  This blog is not the place for that.  My discussion is only the results that have occurred in my family and the discoveries that I have made.  One discovery that I have made is that I was a mistake.  It was unfortunate for my parents that they were going to have another child and especially so many years later, but they never thought twice about it.  It happened.  I happened and they made the best of it.  However, I don't think my sibling brother has ever made the best of it.  It has been trying most of my life with my brother.  With my friends and acquaintances that have siblings, there are maybe one or two years apart from each other and life is wonderful for them even into their elder years.  That has not been the case in mine.  I have paid dearly all these years.  Only now am I able to look back at the mine field and decipher where I should have done this or should have done that and maybe life would not have turned out the way it has.  I have also learned that one cannot change the mindset of the other.  Each has to do it on their own, and they have to make their own decisions.  How much pain does one want to endure?  How much conflict does one want to continue with?  Just as my ex-wife has asked me once, "If life is so bad for you, then why don't you just kill yourself?"  Her statement was then followed up with, "At least I will get the insurance money and live better".  She did make me stop and think if I was really "seeing" everything in a negative way.  However, the company I worked for at the time covered their employees with a ten thousand dollar life insurance policy.  Ten thousand dollars.  Is that all it takes for her to live "better"?  Ten thousand dollars"?  Really?  And then insurances don't pay if there is death by suicide.  For that, I should have gotten out a long time ago.  Maybe it would have cost me less after all this time.  She has hoped that I would commit suicide ever since.  And somehow she has also been able to "charm" my older brother as well.  That couldn't have been too hard though since he has hated my very existence from birth.  He has interfered with my relationship with my children ever since the divorce and now my ex-wife has gotten exactly what she had hoped for.  She hoped for the longest time that my children would never see me again.  They haven't.  For minds that weak that they can't see through the smoke and mirrors, I have to let all of that go if I want to have a more satisfying, fulfilling life.  If I have to make sacrifices just for me to go through life without depression, so be it.  There are some lyrics by John Lennon that state:

 "You ask me for a contribution
Well, you know
We're doing what we can
But when you want money
For people with minds that hate
All I can tell is brother you have to wait"

The only time my daughter contacted me was to ask for a contribution to go to Europe so that she could pray for a bunch of hookers in Germany that chose to be in that profession.  She hadn't seen me for two or three years by that time and then she sent me an email asking for a contribution.  No phone call.  Just an email.  She can't visit with her father, but she can go to Europe for the benefit of some hookers?  You must be kidding me.  Needless to say, I did not contribute and she has not spoken to me since, so the Missions to the Netherlands in my humble opinion with have to wait.

Research before bringing another child into the "world" so far apart from the next oldest child.  Find out what the repercussions are of having children so far apart.  Are you willing to endure the headaches and tolerances they you will have to go through or present you with?  Are you so special that you will be able to make smooth the paths between the two?  Are you willing to do this until the day you die?  My mother had to die with me being prevented from hearing her last words or even being allowed to attend her funeral services.  She had to die with her family in shambles.  It's only my humble opinion.

Making Sacrifices

Once I was out of high school, that was the time to become an "adult".  You don't have to go to college if you don't want to.  It's a smarter road to take, but you don't have to if you don't want to.  It takes money to go.  If you don't have it, you need to get it.  You need to apply for loans.  You need to have all the right answers on the applications.  You need to present all the right "papers".  My father on the other hand, felt the need to remain as "private" as possible.  That meant that as few people as possible needed to know what he did with his money or where it came from and that included colleges, universities, and the IRS.  Since he would not allow copies of his tax returns to be presented to the colleges and universities for application, that meant I was stopped dead in the water.  I tried to apply for government loans.  At that time, a government quota had to be met.  They wanted diversity in their school.  Upon application to a Houston university I was stopped because I wasn't a member of a minority that there was a quota for.  Much as the case of Allen Bakke vs The Regents of University of California , I didn't have the money to fight the issue and my parents didn't want to go to the trouble.  I kept trying to figure out how I could live on my own and go to school.  Sacrifices.  It's all about sacrifices and facing those fears.  Earlier in high school, I had injured my back working at a local grocery store.  I injured it in such a manner that the pain would not allow me to move my legs and for a short while I could not work.  It took me a year to recover.  Afterwards, trying to find a job was like trying to find a needle in a haystack.  Since I injured my back, almost no where could I find a job.  Talk about having adversity in life.  I grew up with a shithead brother that really didn't want a brother to start with.  I had to go to school where I got picked on since I didn't "fit in".  I tried fighting back, but that didn't work because all I got was in trouble.  Now, that I had become an "adult", I couldn't seem to support myself.  If I couldn't support myself, how was I ever going to support a girlfriend that someday I had hoped to marry.  My doctor sat me down in his office one day after examining my back x-rays and explained to me that with my particular injury, I would not be able to do this kind of work or that kind of work.  More than likely I would be living with my parents for quite a very long time.  Really doc?  Would you just like to pull the trigger now and spare me the pain and humiliation of being a weakling in adulthood also?  Really?  Reflecting on all of this, I did have it pretty good at home.  My clothing was paid for.  My food was paid for.  My electricity, gas, water, rent, everything was paid for.  My parents didn't believe in giving me an allowance.  "Allowance"?  Allowance for what?  I never did understand that.  If I needed money, I just asked and told them what I needed it for.  I was honest with them and they were honest with me.  So, I asked and I received.  If I were to move out into my own apartment, having trouble trying to find a job and wanting to go to school at the same time, there would have to be an awful lot of sacrifices that I would have to make of which I was not willing to.  So, I stayed home and went to a local community college paying for it myself with what measly little part-time job I could locate until I couldn't afford it anymore.  Also, looking at the future with my current girlfriend, as attractive as she was, I let her go and sent her on her way because I just knew I would not be able to support her.  I also went and bought a bicycle.  I didn't like being told "I can't".  I bought a bike and began riding long distances and eventually riding up to a hundred miles in a day.   After a time of riding like that, I built my back muscles up and I was able to find work of any kind.  I even did some construction work for a while when I was told I wasn't supposed to.  I was not going to be kept down.  But, by that time, I had lost my girlfriend, and I had to move on.  I made sacrifices after all and I had to keep my chin up while doing it.  I had made sacrifices after all.

The Do Gooder

So, my ex-wife left.  She left taking the children without my permission.  She left playing on my ignorance and fear of the law.  I was trying to be nice throughout the whole ordeal.  Nice.  In a divorce, one cannot be "nice".  Your being "nice" will be taken advantage of every time.  I certainly didn't find the proper attorney either.  I did a little research and found that mostly, the men that had male attorneys did not gain as much as the ones whom had female attorneys.  I relied upon a female attorney.  I also did not read the "signs".  You know.  What I had discussed earlier in this blog.  When I walked into her office, there were books all over the floor and papers every where, all in disarray.  With an office such as this I was wondering how her practice was.  I sat and talked with her and she talked a good game.  After spending my money with her, it turned out she couldn't do a thing for me anyway because my wife had run back to her home state which she had not been in for eight months.  My ignorance of the law.  During the process, my brother played on my emotions and ignorance.  After a life time with the bastard treating me as though I was the gum stuck to the bottom of his shoe, I still played into his hands.  He was the information gatherer for my wife and she used it all against me.  As she professed, she made sure that the children would never see me again.  Only, that was after my daughter would turn eighteen.  Remember, my son had ADHD and he would listen to no one.  He stayed in touch as long as he was able to get financial help from me.  But, if the help was not there, I would not hear from him.  The good ol' bro was explaining how I should be and how I should react and what I should do for the children, all the while, he was giving my soon to be ex-wife money and food to support the children.  Falling back to the definition of bully.  I didn't realize it until too late and I was still trying to be nice so that I could still see my children.  After it was all said and done, the children also became the information gatherers and when there was no more information to gather, there were no more visits from them.  And the daughter also turned eighteen.  Even so, she made another attempt of getting money from me.  She told me, "God needed money so that she could go to Germany and pray for some hookers".  Sounded to me like Oral Roberts was on the attack again.  First, if God needed the money, why didn't he contact me himself?  Second, if some hookers in Germany needed her prayers to help them leave the business, why couldn't she pray for them right here at home just like we do for our soldiers off in another land fighting a foreign war?  Third, by this time, she was now into her college years of religious indoctrination and she didn't feel the need to visit with me any longer.  If someone needed money, I would give it to those that come and visit with me.  I was not going to pay someone to stay away from me.  I'm quite sure she could do that on her own.  Instead, she turned to the good ol' bro and he supplied her the money.  The good ol' bro.  The "do gooder".  It seems to me if he wanted to do some good, he would have encouraged the ex to get the son on medication so he could be closer to "normal" whatever normal is.  And if he was any kind of brother at all, he would have stayed the fuck out of my affairs rather than fuck up the relationship I had with my daughter.  Instead, since he was married to a bitter, selfish, dyke-like woman that was just like him, he encouraged my daughter just to stay away.  Hell!  He already hated my guts for coming into the picture at birth and infiltrating in territory.  Now, he had to bust up everything that meant anything to me.

Finally realizing all of this, still having the dream that has plagued me for so long, I decided to follow the suggestions of professional psychologists and start a journal.  Writing a journal of all of my emotions was actually a release of my contained emotions.  It began to flow out like Niagara Falls and I began to let go.  Once I began to let go, all things began to fall in place.  Once they started to fall in place, I began to step over the debris and find my way.  I found my way to satisfaction and happiness.  And no more dreams However, the ones trying to make me feel bad as a person, still make their attempt at trying to make me feel bad.  What pisses them off the most is the fact that I have found my satisfaction and happiness and they obviously have not.  The things that they attempt to do to me just runs off like water on a ducks back and it pisses them off even more because they don't know what to do now except just to keep me ostracized.  Really?  Is that all that you have?  Really?  I am still alive and well.  I haven't committed suicide at your behest.  Is that really all that you have?

Focused

As a parent, you want to give as much room to your child as possible, but at the same time you want to set limits.  In other words, when you take your child to a friends house for a visit, do you want to be asked back, or is your friend anxious and looking for a nice way to ask you to hurry up and leave so that they can put back all the things they had to take out of your children's hands that they weren't supposed to pick up to start with?  As often quoted by our grandparents, children should be seen and not heard.  In other words, "Here are some things I will allow you to play with and quietly so that I may talk to your mother, but beyond that, you may not play with anything you want in this house and you may not get so loud that I cannot hear your mother speak".  Rarely is that practiced today by parents and I simply can't wait for them to leave my house and God forbid they ever come back.  If a parent notices that their child not only is focused upon something, but becomes obsessed with it, that is not a good thing.  In the case of my son, afflicted with ADHD, not only did he focus on whatever it was at the time that by either removing the item or removing him, he became angry.  He became so angry that he "turned blue in the face".  Sometimes I would have to physically restrain him in my arms until he calmed down to let him know that "play time" was over.  This is the time to notice that there may be something not right with the child.  After growing up and "learning" what to do...lie, cheat, steal, defy...once focused, they don't change if they are not medicated.  In his case, at his high school he was introduced to the United States Army by way of a school "presentation".  The Army was in search of a new crop of soldiers.  They presented to the high school students just how much fun it is to be in the Army.  They did not present the fact that they have to follow orders 24/7.  They didn't present the fact that their uniform must be wrinkle free, or make their own bed, or organize their trunk, or even so much as respond with "Yes Sir!"  All my son was able to focus on was the fact that it looked like fun to join.  He signed up without my permission, but he was over eighteen at the time.  His birthday came after the start of school, so that's why he was still eighteen and still in high school.  When he began his shenanigans and I explained to him that I had had enough, I sent him back to his mother whom got rid of him in the first place because she could no longer handle him.  She didn't care if he got into the Army.  She was rid of him.  As a young child, he couldn't follow orders.  "Learning the legalities of what children can do after turning eighteen", he didn't have to follow mine either.  I gave him a choice.  The street or his mother.  He couldn't follow orders in the Army either.  He wound up with seventeen discrepancies of not being accommodating to a soldier and was later "less than honorably" discharged.  Something of which to this day he will deny because he no longer possesses all the copies of his DD214 that he once showed me.  They don't exist in his possession, therefore the charges did not happen.  He was focused on a girl while here, I explained would not be a good  choice for him.  After being sent back to his mother, he was so focused on her that he came back to marry her while he was in the Army.  She happens to be an illegal immigrant with thirty other members of her family that all live with her under one roof.  All of them illegal.  And, they are pumping out the anchor babies like it is going out of style.

If a couple is going to have children, they need to be agreeable parents, they need to concentrate on the future of their children, and they need to do what is best for the child.  In my son's case, had he been handled properly, medically, I believe his future would have been brighter.  As it is now, he and his family will be nothing more than wards of the welfare system.  I am of the opinion that parents really need to pay attention to the daily lives of their children, turn off the television, put down the cell phone, and interact with their children.  Even medicated, they can become something special as is the case with Michael Phelps.

Some People Never Grow Up

Some people aren't mature enough to get married.  Some people are more mature than others. Some are too selfish to get married.  Some are too hateful.   Some never grow up.  And some, have no idea about marriage.  In my case, maybe I was too young, and my wife then, was too selfish as well as too young.  I was twenty five.  Twenty five.  It's only a number.  Maybe inside, I was going on sixteen.  Not that I still wanted to party.  I just saw things in a different light than what I thought it was supposed to be.  I grew up thinking marriage is supposed to be filled with love, giving, caring, respect, and yes I can't forget sex.  The sex was there that's for sure.  I think we were about equal in not being able to get enough.  But, unbeknownst to me, my ex-wife had hidden well the fact that she had ADHD.  We had some vial arguments.  I'm not going to say that I was an angel, but sometimes I didn't even know what I did except give enough in "things" that she wanted.  In the arguments, her name calling came out unlike what I had imagined marriage to be.  Sometimes I would wonder how I ever fell for this person, but I was married now, and there was no turning back.  I did not want to be another government statistic on failed marriages.  Eventually, I was given no choice.  I lost that battle.  Along with that, the older sibling brother whom held a dislike for me since the day I invaded his territory, began waging a war against me that hasn't quit yet.  As I said, some people never grow up.  It was a long, arduous battle.  It still wages on.  I don't know whom he is battling with now, but in that war, knowing that I lost, I walked away.  I no longer exist.  I no longer exist in his eyes, my ex-wife's eyes, or my children's eyes.  My ex-wife told me when she left, she would make damned sure I never saw my children again.  She has held true to her word.  A nice thing coming from one who praises the Lord day in and day out.  She told my mother one time she is even praying for her glorification in God so that when she meets with Him, she will be virgin again and bear his children.  Talk about being eaten up with religious crap!  One child is lost with all that religious indoctrination and I will never be able to see her again.  The other is lost with not treating his ADHD and going through life feeling everyone else is a fault, but him.  People have as much disdain for the word "retarded" as they do for the "N" word.  What they don't realize is a handicapped person is one that realizes that they are deficient in some manner and acquire as much help as they possibly can so that they can "make" it through life.  A retarded person is one that has an affliction and refuses help of any kind and refuses to acknowledge that they have a problem.  My son has ADHD really bad, refuses to medicate, and finds everyone else at fault.  My son wound up in jail for assault on his pregnant wife.  After my help of getting him out of jail, I have not seen him since.  He also is lost and most probably from the beckoning of my ex-wife and "loving" brother.

So, during the divorce, I stepped back.  I stepped back into drugging because my ex had visions of taking all of my money.  Her goal was to break me as much as possible, and going back to her original wish early in our marriage, that I commit suicide.  Obviously, the latter never happened.  My goal was to show I had too many expenses except to take care of my children to the limits of the law, which I did.  I was drugging again because it felt good inside.  It took away the pain.  It made me feel good on the outside.  I could "see" things "I ain't never seen before".  I was finding satisfaction.  But, it wasn't enough.  Finally, I reached for an area that my ex was hoping for.  But, I got interrupted.  After that, I decided to take a trip across the country for my vacation that I earned from work.  I packed up my backpack and hitchhiked across the country.  During my week of hitchhiking, I was finding fresh air, God's sunlight, and association with people that I would ordinarily not have met.  I also forgot to take my drugs with me.  The withdrawals began while out on the road.  The one thing about it, I don't possess that gene that tells me I am going to be addicted to this or to that.  While out on the road, I had to quit because I had no choice.  Recognizing the symptoms, sometimes I would turn down rides.  I didn't want people to see me like that.  My withdrawal wasn't as bad as other people's withdrawals.  I have been around some that I would just rather shoot them between the eyes with a 12 gauge shotgun just to put them out of their misery.  By the end of two weeks, I was my old self again, appreciating the fact that I was still alive, even more so, that I defied the wishes of my ex-wife and sibling brother.  To this day, he has yet to give up on trying to crush me, yet I continue to step over his debris field, and march on because I have to.  And that is what pisses him off the most.  I ignore all his attempts.  I move on and I am satisfied.

They Never Give Up

Some how one of the dumb asses in high school who used to get picked on just like me and bullied once in a while was able to contact me by letter when I was in St. Louis, Mo.  He was one of twin brothers that I went to high school with.  As a child, we would ride our bicycles together around the neighborhood and we attended catechism together. I used to go over to his house to get him to go riding and there his father would be sitting in his lounge chair watching television in his underwear and drinking beer way past drunkenness.  It didn't matter if the daughter was in the house, he was still in the front room in his underwear.  It didn't matter if visitors came over, he's still in his underwear.  I don't believe I ever met the man when he was sober.  The daughter wound up marrying the first thing that came along just to get out of the house-her second cousin.  The only difference between this guy and I was he joined the school football team as a coaches assistant-a butt wipe to all the football players.  And they picked on him to no end. 

He had reached me right when I was going through a layoff at the aircraft plant there.  I sat down and read his letter.  Then I read it again, this time reading between the lines.  The last time I was contacted about a high school reunion and I called back to find out when and where, the person that I was speaking with did not recognize the name I was using at the time, but when discovering who I was, she hung up.  Now, reading this letter, he was only contacting be because he was urged to do so by the rest of the cronies there to see if I committed suicide yet.  I threw his letter away, never let it effect me, and I moved on through the lay off without any help from anyone else.  Years later, I was contacted again by the same guy, not only by phone, but also by email.  By phone, I spoke with him about five minutes or less, and I gave him too much information-I'm still alive-and then I followed up with a reply to his email.  He never answered back.  It was only a ploy by the "others" in high school, still using him as a dumb ass, to find out if I was still alive.  They never give up.  They feel that by ostracizing me from the class reunion will in some way effect me.  I refused to give them any energy when I went to school with them.  Why would I want to give them any now that I am way out of school having built a more responsible "life"?  Thet never give up and they never will give up.  I have found out that several of them have died off from poor health, others are locked up in the joint, and others themselves have committed suicide.  I on the other hand am in good health and plan on defying their wishes.  It all depends on the amount of energy that you want to apply to it.  I have never looked back.  I have always moved forward.  With or without their entity they rely upon called God, if heathens like them use their god as their staff, I will choose another entity and do with it what I think best.  So far, I have managed not to fulfill their wishes, but to carry on a happier life than I had then, despite all the odds thrown at me.

The Debris Field

I never thought that I would "make it" after leaving high school.  Having lived a life so far of being ridiculed by both family and friends, I didn't have the best self esteem there ever was.  I grew up with a mother whose "post" was always in the kitchen holding a cigarette in one hand and a beer in the other.  I grew up with a father that was the nicest man that walked the face of the earth, but he put up with a lot of crap.  If you ever crossed him, he had a temper.  Although he would get frustrated and angry at times when he spanked, he never abused us.  As described earlier, I grew up with a brother who never could say anything to me without ridiculing me.  I went to catechism on Saturdays only to find priests stumbling around from having too much wine, or speaking coarsely to the parishioners as one did to my mother when I had an altercation there and I didn't even start it.  There was a nun I knew that once she met a man, she couldn't rip that habit off soon enough to get in bed with the guy. I was surrounded by such fine examples that I could almost just throw up.  These fellow classmates in high school that tried to "save" me for Christ also were in the backseat of their boyfriends car hammering it out contrary to what they would preach to me.  When one of these students parents found out what their nice daughter was doing, they yanked her from school and moved to Georgia.  Never heard from her again.  I even had an art teacher who couldn't even speak decent English ridicule me of a craft project that she gave each of us to do.  Because she didn't understand the design of it, it meant nothing to her and therefore, was nothing but crap to her.  It was the yin and yang Chinese design symbolizing how things interact with one another.  Because of her public ridicule of me right there in class, it's a wonder Adolf Hitler was not reborn again.  Being bombarded by all these people, plus the ridicule adding to the stress of trying to find myself, I was having this dream every night of being run over by a train.  Every night.  I would wake up in a cold sweat and then go back to sleep once I realized it was only a dream.  Some people don't realize what they do to another when they constantly ridicule.  Or maybe they do and it's sad that they don't feel guilty that they drove their victim to suicide.  They walk away, unfeeling of what they do and absolve themselves with the graciousness of God.  Contrary to that, some parents try to boost their children with everything that they do is right, when one can see that what they do is definitely wrong.  There is a matter of encouraging a child, but when the child is electrocuting a creature to death, I can't see why the parents write it off as a science project.  This being described in The Train Runs No More.  Again, Karma came back around on that one.

Having excelled in my field of aircraft work, ascertaining a salary that I found quite liveable, and having money left over at the end of the week that I didn't know what to do with, I found quite astonishing to myself.  I looked back at my classmates and those that I still heard about were making merely a living.  Big deal.  What I was doing, I did not even have to sell drugs doing it.  I built quite a bank account too.  I am so glad that I never hooked up with one girl from school who married a fireman only to wind up getting herself beat up on a daily basis and raped after.  She was merely looking for a financially supporting father to her daughter.  She wasn't looking for a husband that could love her and her love him.  She deemed me not capable of being financially supportive.  She found one of those, weeks after she left me.  It was so quick, I know being loved by her did not enter the picture.

Having this element of life to grow up with, I left, but I left with baggage that I thought cared for me, and later turned out that she also only wanted to be taken care of.  Without going over the same history again, I kept my chin up and marched on through the "mud of life" and am still doing well.  It just takes time and patience to find that satisfaction.  Some try to find it immediately, some search for a while, others never find it.  When it is found, others are not happy for you and never will be.  They try as much as they can to disrupt that satisfaction that has been found.  If you ignore them, that only pisses them off more, and they try to rub you out of the picture.  So they did that.  So what?  If people are that easily led that they can forget all about you, then they never cared for you in the first place.  All you can do is just step over the debris and keep on marching.  It's either you or them.  Who is most important?  You or them?

Through The Eyes Of A Child

We as "normal", for whatever "normal" is, responsible parents of children that are different try to raise our children the best that we can.  We who are attentive try to notice something in our children.  We may notice a great talent in our children.  We may notice something peculiar.  We may see that they don't do "what others do"  We may notice difference in them.  Those parents that are truly intent about their child, and most are not, just as the Moody Blues Song says, "With the eyes of a child You must come out and see...", if parents could just resolve themselves to see through the eyes of a child once, you will come out of your busy life, your daily stresses, your distractions of everyday life, and you will see what your child sees, what they are going through, and how they are reacting to the situation.  Just as in meditation, one must close off everything.  Shut the door on all distractions, stop concerning one's self with what must be done in the next moment, forget about their selfishness for a moment.  If a parent could just do that for a moment and visualize the world that their children are in, they just might be more helpful to their children.

When married to my first wife, I used to get down on the floor with my son.  I would not interfere with his play.  I would "study" him.  I would look at what he was playing with at the moment and try to visualize just what the heck is going on "upstairs".  My wife would be watching television, or doing some sort of craft that would only wind up in the corner collecting dust when complete, or doing something that had no business with the child.  I could almost see what he saw, but not quite.  What I could not see was the busy-ness that was taking place.  I could not see the infliction that was taking place.  Inside, it was growing like some bacterial disease.  He began to become less focused on any one subject.  He would become more upset with things he could not accomplish.  As our world around us began to change, the cold war coming to an end changing the economical needs of our country like less dependent upon military weapons, the aircraft industry which was an excellent paying job began to waiver and lay off people.  The stresses of a "new" life began to change.  I was less able to "see" and through no fault of myself and not blaming my wife at the time, We could not see that Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder was taking hold.  He was constantly irritating his younger sister.  Having grown up with a tormenting older brother,  I was not about to let that happen in a second generation.  All of these stresses not to mention having to move yet to another location just to keep employed, apparently was too much for my wife and she just left one day taking the kids with her.  By law, in her mind, she can take the kids with her anywhere she wants and there is nothing the husband can do about it.  Today, however, there is everything one can do about it, but without digressing, when you now have two parents, where one feels cheated in life and will do everything she possibly can to turn the children against their father, and having an ADHD child, this kind of situation can be very stressful, even a detriment to the child.  To add salt to the wound, I had a weak, "do gooder" brother that hated my every action.  When asked not to interfere, he became a monster only for his own selfishness instead of what was good for the child.

If we could only see through the eyes of a child.

We All Make Choices

People were created different for a reason.  If they weren't, life would get awfully boring.  Since people are different, those that have little imagination emulate  others that they like or hang around with.  Those that they don't like, they pester, they annoy, they torment, they persecute, they make them feel bad for even being a human being or being alive.  Those that are the victim, either rebel or cower.  If one rebels, then a group begins to form.  Strength in numbers right?  If one doesn't like another, why not just say, "I don't like you", and walk away.  But, NO!  They have to be insistent upon how much they don't like the other person.  They have to be so insistent that they have to create a group following.  The victim feels so insecure, so inadequate, so weak, that the perpetrator feels the need for them to lie prostrate on the ground begging for mercy and even at that sometimes it's not enough.  Just as that little girl in Missouri that liked a neighboring boy.  Because the mother found her to be different, or maybe not good enough for her little boy, she had to torment this little girl to the point of suicide.  What the little girl found fun, releasing her inner most feelings through the use of modern technology like a computer and My Space, became a weapon used against her until the mother received complete satisfaction-suicide by the little girl.  The mother may have been acquitted, but she will never be free of guilt.  She will have to answer to God.  I never paid close attention to the story, sort of like religious followers, "only pay attention to useful verses of the bible", but I'll bet that this mother after tormenting this girl, was in church every Sunday without missing a beat, praising the Lord, and giving great thanks to God, as do most religious hypocrites.  All through the week, they may be the devil, but on Sunday, they are God's greatest angel.


In days long past, people were helpful of one another.  They were considerate of one another.  If they did something wrong, they told you sorry and meant it.  Today, I don't know one person that can bring themselves to say the word sorry because just saying you're sorry is a sheer sign of weakness. People today plot, they contrive, they scheme, of just how they can take something and turn it into a weapon.  Whether it be one's birthday, or some holiday, they conspire just how they can spoil something special to someone they don't like.  What's worse is that if it happened to them in childhood they raise their children to be even more conniving so that what they didn't get to accomplish in their childhood they will accomplish through their children in adulthood.  These people never grow up and bullying never goes away.  It just takes on different forms with newer technologies;  all in the name of God.  And these very people wonder why I resist religion.  Anything can be used the wrong way.  Religion, when used the wrong way becomes the down fall of society.  These people prey on the weak and unfortunate.  The weak and unfortunate don't have the "eyes" to find their way.

In my own humble opinion, in the days when there was no television, cell phones, radio, or even board games as we know them today, no other distractions of the world, men sat down viewing the world as it was.    There also were those that prey upon the weak, that abuse the power they had, and mistreated those that could be intimidated.  These men sat down and wrote morality rules.  To give these rules of morality power, they also gave it a spiritual power from an entity that could not be reached by voice, sight, or written word.  Most likely, to enhance imagination, hashish or peyote, or whatever hallucinogen,  was used during these rituals.  They wrote these words as to how humans should react to one another, amongst one another, and how to love one another.  It is the greatest story ever told and should be read by everyone.  I do not feel it should be memorized so that when prompted, the proper verse can be recited at the proper moment as a weapon against evil.  This story should be taught to children as to how they should treat others, but not indoctrinated.  Within each of us is "god" if we just look for it.  But the lot of us do not.  It is found that there is more fun in sin than in sainthood.  We all make choices in life.  Some of them good.  Some of them bad.  Most probably that is the reason for so many "church goers".  To guide those who are doing evil, away.  Some use church as a basis for promoting their evil by pronouncing it "the word of God".  We all make choices.