I never thought that I would "make it" after leaving high school. Having lived a life so far of being ridiculed by both family and friends, I didn't have the best self esteem there ever was. I grew up with a mother whose "post" was always in the kitchen holding a cigarette in one hand and a beer in the other. I grew up with a father that was the nicest man that walked the face of the earth, but he put up with a lot of crap. If you ever crossed him, he had a temper. Although he would get frustrated and angry at times when he spanked, he never abused us. As described earlier, I grew up with a brother who never could say anything to me without ridiculing me. I went to catechism on Saturdays only to find priests stumbling around from having too much wine, or speaking coarsely to the parishioners as one did to my mother when I had an altercation there and I didn't even start it. There was a nun I knew that once she met a man, she couldn't rip that habit off soon enough to get in bed with the guy. I was surrounded by such fine examples that I could almost just throw up. These fellow classmates in high school that tried to "save" me for Christ also were in the backseat of their boyfriends car hammering it out contrary to what they would preach to me. When one of these students parents found out what their nice daughter was doing, they yanked her from school and moved to Georgia. Never heard from her again. I even had an art teacher who couldn't even speak decent English ridicule me of a craft project that she gave each of us to do. Because she didn't understand the design of it, it meant nothing to her and therefore, was nothing but crap to her. It was the yin and yang Chinese design symbolizing how things interact with one another. Because of her public ridicule of me right there in class, it's a wonder Adolf Hitler was not reborn again. Being bombarded by all these people, plus the ridicule adding to the stress of trying to find myself, I was having this dream every night of being run over by a train. Every night. I would wake up in a cold sweat and then go back to sleep once I realized it was only a dream. Some people don't realize what they do to another when they constantly ridicule. Or maybe they do and it's sad that they don't feel guilty that they drove their victim to suicide. They walk away, unfeeling of what they do and absolve themselves with the graciousness of God. Contrary to that, some parents try to boost their children with everything that they do is right, when one can see that what they do is definitely wrong. There is a matter of encouraging a child, but when the child is electrocuting a creature to death, I can't see why the parents write it off as a science project. This being described in The Train Runs No More. Again, Karma came back around on that one.
Having excelled in my field of aircraft work, ascertaining a salary that I found quite liveable, and having money left over at the end of the week that I didn't know what to do with, I found quite astonishing to myself. I looked back at my classmates and those that I still heard about were making merely a living. Big deal. What I was doing, I did not even have to sell drugs doing it. I built quite a bank account too. I am so glad that I never hooked up with one girl from school who married a fireman only to wind up getting herself beat up on a daily basis and raped after. She was merely looking for a financially supporting father to her daughter. She wasn't looking for a husband that could love her and her love him. She deemed me not capable of being financially supportive. She found one of those, weeks after she left me. It was so quick, I know being loved by her did not enter the picture.
Having this element of life to grow up with, I left, but I left with baggage that I thought cared for me, and later turned out that she also only wanted to be taken care of. Without going over the same history again, I kept my chin up and marched on through the "mud of life" and am still doing well. It just takes time and patience to find that satisfaction. Some try to find it immediately, some search for a while, others never find it. When it is found, others are not happy for you and never will be. They try as much as they can to disrupt that satisfaction that has been found. If you ignore them, that only pisses them off more, and they try to rub you out of the picture. So they did that. So what? If people are that easily led that they can forget all about you, then they never cared for you in the first place. All you can do is just step over the debris and keep on marching. It's either you or them. Who is most important? You or them?
No comments:
Post a Comment